Responding differently to criticism and mistakes

It’s human to not like being criticised. However, some people dislike it more than others, experiencing it less as feedback and more as a personal threat.

A raised eyebrow, a sharp comment, or a suggestion that something could have been done better can trigger anger, shame, or defensiveness.

Some helpful illustrations of this come from The Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy. The book is written for CBT clinicians, but many of the examples translate easily into everyday life, showing how strongly held assumptions about criticism and mistakes can shape our responses in unhelpful ways.

One example involves John, a 47-year-old kitchen salesman who had recently returned to work after a period of depression. His new manager was quick to criticise staff for any perceived mistakes. John reacted badly to this. When criticised, he became angry and defensive, which quickly led to tension and bad feeling between him and his manager.

Underneath John’s reactions was a clear rule: if someone in authority criticises me, I must defend myself. If I don’t, they will think I am weak and not up to the job, and I will be picked on even more.

From John’s point of view, defending himself felt necessary. It was his way of preventing things from getting worse.

John’s CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) therapist asked him to treat this rule not as a fact, but as a prediction that could be tested. John agreed on a simple experiment. The next time he was criticised, he would listen carefully, say nothing immediately, and give himself an hour before deciding how to respond.

Soon after, John made a genuine mistake, forgetting to order a tap as part of a customer’s kitchen order. His manager heard about it and told him off, warning he needed to be more careful or his job might be at risk. This was exactly the kind of situation John feared.

This time, however, John didn’t argue or defend himself. He listened, acknowledged it was a mistake, explained briefly how it had happened, and apologised to both the manager and the customer.

Later, something unexpected happened. The manager apologised to John for overreacting to what was, in the end, a small error.

For John, this was important. The feared outcome did not occur. By listening to the criticism rather than fighting it, the situation did not escalate. In fact, his manager appeared to respect him more, not less. Letting criticism land did not make him weaker. If anything, it reduced the level of criticism he received afterwards.



Mistakes

A second example from the same guide looks at a closely related issue: the meaning we attach to mistakes. John (yes, another John from the same book) had a ‘niggling sense of inadequacy’, the book notes. ‘He seemed to make a lot of mistakes, and lived in fear that someone would notice them.’ His belief was that making mistakes is a sign of inadequacy.

Again, this belief was tested rather than argued with. John began by simply observing how often other people made mistakes and how he viewed them when they did. He noticed errors at work, in everyday interactions, and even on television.

For instance, he watched an articulate news presenter lose their place on the autocue and look at the wrong camera. It didn’t occur to him to see this person as incompetent.

The following week, John deliberately made a number of small, low-risk mistakes at work, such as forgetting to return a phone call, and made sure these mistakes were noticed. He then observed how others reacted. The reactions were mild and practical. A colleague reminded him about the call. No one criticised his character or questioned his ability.

Gradually, John began to see that mistakes were more common than he had thought, even among people he regarded as capable and confident. Just as importantly, he began to realise that people were more tolerant than he anticipated.

What these examples highlight isn’t that criticism is always fair, or that mistakes do not matter. Sometimes criticism is justified, and sometimes it is not. Sometimes mistakes have consequences.

However, the key point is that rigid rules about criticism and mistakes are not helpful, and can distort our responses. When every criticism is treated as a threat, or every mistake as evidence of failure, our reactions tend to create more problems rather than fewer.

Ask yourself: if my assumptions and beliefs can feel true but are not, what might I discover by testing them?

Linda Hamilton
Cognitive Behavioural Therapist
Kinsale CBT