A blast of stunning sunshine, the eternal quest for the perfect pair of shorts, and why panelling belongs in a hallway, not your swimsuit

THAT was more like it alright. That stunning sunshine, that lifted us all. I don’t think we realised how much we needed to feel the heat on our bones until it hit. Of course there was only one problem. As I baked alive in my leggings, I realised that I don’t own a single pair of public-facing shorts. The kind you can wear in public, as opposed to the dodgy pair you wear around the place at home. I don’t know why it has to be so hard  to find a flattering pair of shorts when you hit a certain age. I take some responsibility by being a bit wider where I wasn’t so wide before, but still, it shouldn’t be so hard. If you go too short, well no, just don’t. And too long with those Bermuda styles and you look like you should be on the golf course or in a retirement village in Florida. As for pedal pushers that are having a moment this year? If you wore a trend the first time round, you shouldn’t go near it second time round so thankfully that rules them out for me.

A bit like Goldilocks I’m looking for something in between, not too long, not too short, where the fabric can’t be too hard, or too billowy, but just right. After much online searching (my least favourite thing to do in the world) I thought I had hit the jackpot and found a pair that would do the job just grand. I was just about to hit ‘pay’ when I put on my glasses and realised that the flower petals near the bum cheeks had cut out panels. Ventilation? Anyway, let’s just say they were not compatible with underwear … or the school run. The search goes on. Half the problem that designers aren’t making things for real-life women. The fact that every top in the shops right now is cropped  is proof of that. I can see how it might be confusing for them, when they’re seeing celebs like Kris Jenner who thanks to her plastic surgeon is doing a Benjamin Button on it. She’s 70 but looks 45! I’m 50 – with a good blow dry and if properly hydrated I might, in the right light and at a distance, might pass for 49. A nip and tuck would solve a lot of problems, but surely there’s something clothes makers can do with a nifty dart or a pleat instead? Let’s try harder to make the middle aged woman feel good about herself please!

And don’t mention the word ‘ruching’ either. There’s nothing more depressing than the word ‘ruching’ for us. Actually there is: ‘tummy control panels.’ Do not fall for that nonsense. Ruching is like wearing a sign on your back saying ‘I’m trying to distract you from my stomach,’ you might as well have an arrow pointing, while anything with built-in tummy controls is simply hazardous. I’m speaking from experience. I bought a swim suit for holidays last year that promised miracles thanks to said panelling. If the 38 degree heat didn’t kill me, getting this on and off was going to finish me off entirely. It was like being in a concrete mould – and that was before it got wet. I’m going with an ‘out of control’ tummy this year. Save the panelling for your hallway. Life’s too short. Clothes sizes have also gone bonkers and vary so much between shops that it’s impossible. You almost have to buy an item in three sizes to get it right, and  then the returns turn into a full-time job.

Scheduling in summer beauty appointments is another full-time job, the pedicures, waxing and all the rest. What a palaver. I will admit to falling into the ‘low maintenance, needs to try harder category’ but I applaud the commitment of the higher-maintenance among us because they mustn’t get anything else done. It’s very time consuming to look good. It doesn’t help that I’m desperately impatient to the point where I’m trying to run out the door of the beauty salon with wax strips still on me saying ‘Era that’s grand now! I’d say I’ll manage the rest myself. Byeeeeee!’ as I literally screeching out of the car park on two tyres. What is wrong with me. But one beauty treatment I am relatively committed to is a professional tan which is life changing, if logistically tricky. You need to find a slot in your schedule where you can marinade in the safety of your own home, while wearing as little clothing as possible. Most tans see you go an alarming shade of brown first, before you shower off the excess so it’s best if you’re not out and about, if you don’t want to scare people. Who has time for that?

This is actually Skin Cancer Awareness month and I was chatting to a nurse who said she couldn’t stress enough to people that tanned skin is damaged skin, as lovely as it might look. That got me thinking is pale skin really that bad? And what’s the message I’m sending to my daughter? I think I need a little lie down to mull that over. Just not on white sheets as I’ve thrown on a bit of tan. If you’re still with me after reading all that rubbish, here’s some more. Actual rubbish. I was confronted by a German tourist the other day in my local car park with a handful of rubbish, looking for a bin. At least I think that’s what she was looking for. I never studied German and just know random sentences such as ‘Wo ist meine gepack?’ (where is my suitcase?) which didn’t seem appropriate in this situation.

Anyway, I cheerfully took the banana skins and sweet wrappers that she was brandishing. They were German sweets – you have to love the Germans who come all the way prepared with their hard boiled sweets! I’m not sure if it was a well-travelled German banana or a local variety. She looked a little confused as I stuffed them joyfully into the boot of my car, or maybe that was more alarm as she took in everything from a bag of (unreturned) Returnables, hurleys, wellingtons, 63 bags for life, 23 dog poop bags, a beach rug, umbrellas and a shovel. I think the shovel might have scared her, although she’d have been far more concerned if she saw me a week later when I recovered the long-forgotten banana peels that were fermenting away nicely in the heat.

So a little message to our council: a few more bins in strategic spots please. I’m happy to oblige in the meantime – just no more fruit accepted!