Some people make the mistake of thinking that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a form of positive thinking – the idea that we should challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more upbeat or optimistic ones. Of course, it’s better to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty, but it’s not a good idea to always encourage people to look on the bright side, regardless of their circumstances.

Rather, the aim of CBT is not to make thoughts more positive, but to make them more balanced. The focus is on helpful but realistic thinking – looking at both the pros and cons, considering alternative perspectives, and developing a more balanced understanding of a situation. This distinction matters, especially when people are dealing with real difficulties. If someone has lost their job, or is enduring relationship problems, or serious health concerns, it’s unlikely to be helpful if they simply tell themselves that “everything will work out” or that “this is a blessing in disguise” or that “everything happens for a reason”. While these kinds of thoughts may offer short-term comfort, they can also feel invalidating (if uttered by others) or disconnected from reality.

CBT starts from the position that difficult thoughts should be examined, not dismissed. When someone is troubled by negative thoughts, the task is not to assume it is distorted, but to examine it. Sometimes, this process reveals that the thought is indeed overly negative or incomplete. But sometimes it turns out to be broadly accurate. ‘When people have problems, their thinking may be excessively negative, but sometimes it is accurate’, wrote the late CBT expert Prof David Westbrook. Someone ‘may think his partner is not interested in him because his partner is not interested in him!’

Lost job

He gave another example, of a woman who presented with low mood after losing her job in a hotel. This was the third job she had lost – in two cases, through redundancy, and in the third case because of interpersonal difficulties with her boss. The woman was feeling low because despite her best efforts, she felt that luck was against her and things went wrong, leaving her battling feelings of hopelessness. Rather than assuming her thinking was distorted, the therapist worked with her to review what had happened in each case.

This was important for therapeutic reasons. Perhaps therapy needed to focus on her interpersonal skills? Maybe she had a tendency to blame others? Perhaps her occupational standards needed attention? Thus, they explored possible contributing factors, including workplace relationships, performance, and various external circumstances. And in this particular instance, the conclusion was that her original view was largely correct, that external factors and misfortune had played a significant role. As a result, therapy did not focus on reframing her experience in a more positive light. Instead, it focused on helping her to cope with the unfairness of the situation, on accepting that life can be unfair at times, and to build resilience in the face of events she could not control. This highlights an important point: some difficulties in life are real and cannot be wished away by changing how we think. In these situations, unrealistic positive thinking can be unhelpful. For example, telling oneself that a job loss is “a blessing” may minimise the genuine financial and emotional impact.

After a breakup, it can be tempting to cling to the belief that “there’s someone better out there” or that “we’ll get back together”. However, this can delay the healing process and prevent the person from moving on. If someone is struggling financially, it’s not necessarily helpful to think that “money isn’t everything”, or to say something like, “I’ll try not to think about it, it’ll all work itself out somehow”. While it’s important to stay optimistic, it’s also necessary to take practical steps to improve one’s financial situation. CBT is not about putting a positive spin on difficult situations, but about facing them with clarity. When you evaluate thoughts realistically and honestly, you are better placed to decide what can be changed, what needs to be accepted, and how best to move forward. And while that may not always be easy, it is often what allows us to move forward in a more solid footing.

Linda Hamilton is a Kinsale-based cognitive behavioural therapist. If you would like to get in touch with her, call 086-3300807 For more information, go to www.kinsalecbt.com